Updated: Jul 11
A Healing Adventure through your imagination.
Bringing you back to your Authentic Self.
My journey started out as a painful and trying story.
One by one, I reclaimed all the parts of myself that were lost and dormant. I was able to accomplish these things with a healthy support system, reflection, introspection, many mentors, strong communication skills, firm and loving boundaries. As well as following my intuition, faith, hope, and determination. The ultimate catalyst of my healing journey was attending Stony Brook University School of Social Welfare and obtaining my LMSW. A few years after I graduated, I was able to heal my depression and my PTSD. This was possible once I purchased my own home, and I was established in a healthy and safe work environment.
I am not exactly sure when my depression started. My default personality is bubbly and light-hearted. I enjoy being in service to others and I love laughing.
However, my childhood was plagued by anger, hatred, manipulation, and fighting between my family members.
I am a compassionate and sensitive being. I took on the role of pleasing others to the detriment of my own mental health. My depression peaked around age 12. From that point on my depression was at a consistent functional low level with occasional peaks due to traumatic events.
For most of my life, I believed that depression was something that would always be a part of my life. I did not believe that it was possible to live a life without it.
When I was 15 years old, my driving instructor tried to groom me. Thankfully, I had already learned how to protect myself verbally and I sensed the red flags almost instantly. I was able to effectively navigate our conversations and kept myself safe.
In total, I have been groomed 6 times. All 6 times I was groomed by someone I knew. With the exception of one person, who was a stranger. They all tried to make me feel comfortable and established a trusting relationship. The warning signs and red flags were there the whole time. However, they were hidden beneath manipulation and hidden motives. I usually did not see these red flags until the person made his advances. Luckily, in every situation, I was able to keep myself safe due to my wit and quick responses.
I have been sexually assaulted and almost rapped twice; these incidents were less than six months apart from each other. One incident was by one of the men who groomed me, the other was by someone whom I had been intimate with previously.
I have experienced many other instances of sexual trauma. For example, I have been followed countless times by men who were in cars or who were walking.
When I realized that I met the criteria for PTSD in 2019, I was incredibly nervous and on edge around most men. Every instance that I received unwanted or aggressive flirting it completely terrified me. I immediately felt that I was in danger due to my clouded judgement and trauma reactions.
By September of 2020, I no longer met the criteria for PTSD. However, the following year I was involved in my last grooming relationship with a professional whom I thought was a safe space. During our last session, he implied that he was never a safe place as he tried to elicit an affair.
One month later, I had the most terrifying experience of my life. A man aggressively approached me on Thanksgiving while I was pumping gas. He pulled into the gas station lot and immediately got out of his car and started walking toward me at a fast pace. He said that a beautiful girl like me should not be pumping gas on her own. I clutched the gasoline pump for dear life as I contemplated throwing the gasoline onto him. Ignoring him was not working and he was coming closer. My intuition told me to let him know that I had a boyfriend. So, I did. The man immediately halted and turned in his tracks. He then started cursing me out and went into the station store. I was grateful for my quick thinking and for following my intuition, again keeping me safe.
During this self-healing journey, I'm going to ask you to change a lot. The healing of your trauma requires you to go into deep introspection and evaluate your thinking and behavioral patterns.
This journey requires you to recognize fears and tackle them by finding minute solutions. You will be aiming for practice, not perfection.
Although there will be many unpleasant and highly emotional times. Your peace, happiness, healing, light, authenticity, and self-love far exceeds the feelings, memories and pain that you have been running from.
I know how difficult and excruciating this journey will feel at times. However, the bliss and joy that I am now experiencing in my life is more magnificent than I could have ever imagined.
This journey is not an overnight fix. Healing takes time and is not linear. Backsliding is completely normal and does not erase all the work you have already accomplished. I suggest that you take at least a month to fully integrate each exercise. This way when you move on to the next exercise you have already established a secure foundation to build on top of.
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